It’s time! Will they duel to the finish, like Randy “predicted” or will they not? Me thinks they will. I’d kind of like to see them fight to the death.

Did you guys know that Lee sold paint before Idol? And that Crystal was a mom before Idol? These are things we need to know.

Ryan is holding the mic weird again. It’s annoying. It’s almost as bad as that time he spent an entire season
fiddling with his ring finger and it irritated me so bad that I told him if he didn’t stop, I was going to put a ring on it and then what was he going to do.

Ryan says that the votes were separated by less than 2%. But when he asks the audience to cheer for who they want, clearly only 2% cheer for Crystal. So I think maybe that’s what he meant.

Kelly: why is lee dressed like he just escaped prep school?
roarimaraptor: ha! i was just wondering the same thing
Kelly: wait!  they both escaped prep school.  it’s like a couple on the run!

Lee is happy to be here and Crystal is also happy to be here.

And then top 12 are all here, all dressed like a escaped prep school kids. They’re singing ‘School’s Out For The Summer’ in their prep school outfits. Then a bunch of unnamed prep school kids come out with their eyes blacked out.

Kelly: it’s a prep school mob!
Kelly: and clearly siobhan is the prep school slut!!

This is like an Avril Lavigne video. And then ALICE COOPER!! I hope he gives us a speech about how Milwaukee came to be. That’d be awesome. What if he’s replacing Simon? That’d be awesome. I love this show so much, but oftentimes there is so much awesome that it fails to reach.

Speaking of the awesome that HAS been reached, Kris Allen is beautiful. Even when he’s already singing and Ryan is talking over him because they haven’t turned his mic off. Even then. He’s singing ‘The Truth’. I love it. It’s like Cook’s ‘Lie’. It’s so relatable, and sad, if you really listen to the lyrics.

Video package to remember The British Judge On The End. Him looking young and weird, insulting people, slurping over someone’s audition, laughing to the point of tears, and telling Paula to shut up. Ryan and the other judges pretend to be sad about Simon’s farewell, but then celebrate it. It’s a funny video.

Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly singing together. This is wrong on so many levels that I can’t even count that high. I’m still scared of Siobhan. That bitch will cut your throat for real. I bet all the other girls, and Casey, slept with their doors locked when she was still here. Then there are some BeeGee’s here, but all I can think of is that SNL sketch with Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. Talkin’ ’bout chest hair. Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions. I want one of them to yell, “I’M BARRY GIBB!!”

Back from commercial, with no introduction, Mike is onstage, but I thought it was Ruben for a minute. same different, really. Somehow they tricked Michael McDonald into being here. Him and Mike take it to the streets.

Dane Cook is here to look good and sing about Simon’s past insults. Simon looks un-amused, and then amused, and then un-amused again, and then amused some more. Then nobody is amused when Normal Gentle and a bunch of Idol rejects flood the stage and act a mess and then the Brittenums steal Dane’s identity. Run, Dane! Run!! And change your last name, cause you confuse non-Idol fans every time I talk about David Cook.

Who’s this chick? I don’t know. Oh Lacey. Was Lacey a person’s name? I don’t know, but anyway, some girl who used to be on ths show this season is singing ‘Beautiful’. AND DIDI!! And the rest of the girls. Hmmm. Katie… Siobhan… Crystal… I don’t know that black girl’s name. Then they sing ‘Stronger’. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Cristina is about to come out… Oh my God. She does come out. I didn’t expect she’d ever appear on this show. Awesome. Except the hair. And the fact that tonight she looks like Madonna and Gwen Stefani had a baby together and gave it a weird haircut. Her voice is magnificent though. And just as all magnificent people do, she’s standing on top of a smaller stage that is on this bigger stage. She signs for approximately 30 more minutes and then Ricky Gervais makes some jokes at Simon’s expense. Good times.

Lee comes singing wonderfully and beautifully and then Andrew Garcia comes out and ruins it. Then the rest of the boys join and try to dance. OMG, Tim Urban doubled in size!

Mmm, Casey singing ‘Maneater’. And Tim. I effin’ love Hall and Oats songs. Don’t judge me! Hall and Oates is here! My excitement is a statement of how old I am. They’re singing ‘You Make My Dreams Come True’, which is totally my song. Of course, I start thinking about the SNL sketch where Chris Kattan just keeps saying, “I’m Oates.”

Ryan’s got a vein thumping in his right temple. I wonder why.

Crystal and Alanis Morisette take the stage to warn me that it will rain on my wedding day and that I oughta know.

WOOT CARRIE!! She’s signing ‘Undo It’ and wearing pants for the first time in my memory. I love this song. I love that she gets her own song without any interruptions. They could have stuck like, Katie or somebody in there and ruined it, but they didn’t. Cause she’s Carrie. After the song, Ryan learns us that Kara wrote that song, which further adds to my theory that Kara wrote every song on earth. and then Kris Allen gives Lee and Crystal Fords because Ford cars are now his life. Lee couldn’t care less.

I refuse to even discuss how this week’s Ford Commercial sucks up ‘My Wish’. That’s my song!

Mmmmm, Casey singing ‘Every Rose Has It’s Thorn’. And then Brett Michaels is here. He was just on his deathbed and now here he is on the Idol stage. Weird. Awesome. Weird. I hope he doesn’t fall over. If anything would cause another brain hemorrhage, singing with Casey James would do it.

Lee and the band Chicago do a medley of Chicago’s hits. ‘Look Away’ is my favorite. I hope they do that one. The one guy in the band looks and sounds like a Will Forte character on SNL.

Matt Rogers is in Mount Prospect getting attacked by citizens. I told you that people in Illinois don’t know how to act. And why isn’t Matt dead yet? Is he going to keep showing up via satellite on Idol finales for the rest of his life?

Hilarious video package of Simon being in love with himself, making out with Paula, and being in bed with Randy. All recycled footage, but hilarious still.

‘Pants On The Ground’ guy is here with a bunch of thug back-up dancers with their pants on the ground. I forgot about him even though this song was my ring tone for a while. And then William Hung! Ha! Everybody in the world is here tonight!! I’m expecting like old teachers of mine and maybe a pastor from church to show up.

Kelly: there’s something wrong about a guy named Hung singing Pants on the Ground

Paula makes fun of Randy and Simon’s man-boobs, via video package. It’s hilarious. Lots of laughs are had. On video and in my heart. The video stops, the curtain rises…. and there is Paula Abdul. It’s like a dream from long ago. I want all my dreams to start with a curtain rising and Paula standing there in a pink prom gown.

BWAHAHAHA! Paula asks Ryan for her lip gloss back. His expression is adorable. I wanna marry that boy. Paula talks for a while and makes some jokes that might be funny.

Kelly: it’s like when the drunk bridesmaid gets the mic

More old video footage of Simon. I would have loved to have been the person who went through all the footage and put this together. It probably took like 3 years. Someone started it in season 6 in preparation for the day they knew Simon would leave us all behind.

KELLY!!! Meh, Ruben and Fantasia. CARRIE! AND KELLY!! KELLY!!!! Jordin! TAYLOR!! KRIS!!! It’s been so long since we’ve seen Kris Allen on this stage. ARCHIE! ACE!! It’s like all my dreams are coming true!! Ew Garino and Caldwell and Constantine. But BO BICE! JASON CASTRO!! MICHAEL JOHNS!! Oh Happy Day!! There’s no Lambert, Cook, or Aiken, but we make do with what we have.

Then Simon gives his farewell speech that makes us all teary.

Kelly: i feel like my boyfriend is trying to let me down gently
roarimaraptor: it’s not you, its me’
Kelly: “you’ll be fine.  you’ll see.”

Oh Simon.

OMG. What if Constantine and Caldwell meet up and try breeding?

Top 12 sing that sad, sad song ‘Again’ by Janet Jackson and then Janet is here. She’s dressed like an ancient vampire and singing like Michael.

The Mother – God, her ass sticks out to New York.

She sings for 45 minutes and then finally stops, but then Randy makes “whooo!” sounds for another 15 minutes. Shut up, Randy.

Video package of Lee and Crystal’s journey. I want her to shut up with her “I want to be on this show and

Lee, Crystal, Joe Cocker singing. Both Crystal and Cocker have seizures.

OMG, WINNER TIME!!

And the winner is………………. LEEE!!!! LEE WINS!! LEE WINS!!!

He looks like he’s gonna vomit! He’s gonna vomit all over Ryan’s suit!

The Brother – This song is fuckin’ amazing. I’m gonna rape her.
Me – Me too. But I don’t know with what.
The Brother – With your tongue.

Anyway, on to Idol.

Ryan is holding the mic funny, with bold hands, like a weirdo. What the hell, Ryan.

Crystal and Lee walk down the aisles through the audience. Someone smacks her mic out of her hand (ha!) and then she doesn’t know what she’s doing, misses her mark, and has to go back to back down the aisle and star over. Dumb broad. Lee gets to the stage about an hour before she does. Where Ryan is STILL doing that weird thing with his hands on the mic. I can’t even look. I can’t even describe accurately what he’s doing. He’s holding it with his right hand, but then touching it on the bottom with just the fingertips of his hand.

Coin flip. Lee goes first.

He likes baseball. That’s all we are taught from his video package. Oh, Lee. You are pretty and you have a pretty voice, but you’re boring. He’s singing The Boxer. We advised, DeWyze. Well advised.

Randy says, and I quote, “I think it’s gonna come down to a duel to the finish.” cause he’s an idiot. Ellen couldn’t be prouder if she had given birth to him herself. Kara says something but I am too distracted by her earrings that look like condoms from a distance. Simon calls it a kiss on the cheek when what you really want is a kiss on the lips. Ryan rushes to the stage in a state of misplaced jealousy, as he does everytime Simon talks about kissing someone who isn‘t him.

I’m scared of Crystal’s dad. He reminds me of Angela’s dad on Bones that Hodgins is afraid of. She’s singing “Me and Bobbie McGee.”

Rose – “They’re both playing hard ball tonight, bitches.”

I think this was the song I wanted to download, but never got around to it.

Kevin Covais in the audience. He still looks like a fetus and it’s been like, what, 4 years now?

The judges all make out with her performance, which sadly, was better than Lee. Damn you, Lee! If she wins, I’m holding you personally responsible!

This show has been on for 9 seasons now and I still don’t know what the hell. I thought tonight’s episode was 2 hours and I somehow thought that 3 songs for 2 contestants somehow added up to 9 songs.

Producer’s choice for Lee is ’Everybody Hurts’, a song that will always remind me of ‘A Night At The Roxbury’, one of the funniest SNL spin-off movies ever. Fact. I mean, it’s no Wayne’s World, but it’s hilarious in it’s own right.

Randy and Ellen both thought it was one part bleh and one part yay. Kara’s earrings still look like condoms. But her and Simon both loved the song, even though he went off a few bits here and there.

I don’t approve of this new thing with Seacrest holding the mic. I’m so used to him having his clip on ties.

Crystal is doing ‘Black Velvet’. I love this song. How dare she sing a song I love while I’m trying not to like her. She’s doing very well, but there’s a shot of some girls in the audience who are so over this.

I should mention that Crystal is wearing a dress that makes her look 4 months pregnant. For reals.

The judges all love her, blah blah.

Lee’s “single” , should he win – or should he lose, either way. They just want us to think there’s a difference – will be ‘Beautiful Day’. Constantine wanted to sing this song the week that he gotten eaten by Nickelback, but they couldn’t get clearance for it. I guess U2 has conceded now. And they shouldn’t have. Cause this was boring and suckage. They should let them pick their own songs, especially at this point. Let them win or lose on their own merits. Or at least let Kara write the coronation song, ya know? I know everybody but me hates ‘No Boundaries’, but I can see through the cheese to the brilliance of it.

Lee almost cries at something Kara says and then they show those bored girls in the audience again, and they are still so over this. Bitches. Get front row seats, and that’s how you repay it? By looking bored every time the camera flashes on you? Bitches.

Crystal is doing ‘Up To The Mountain’. I’ve never heard this song, but it gives her much more to work with that Lee was given with his third song. Gee, I wonder who they’re setting up to win.

Randy creams himself over her. Ellen looks tired, but wants Crystal to make her a salad. Or something. Ellen is funny, but sometimes I don’t know what she’s going on about. Kara creams herself too. So it’s a good thing she’s got those condom earrings on. Crystal kisses Simon’s ass before he can speak. I hate her now. Crystal makes some really bad jokes, but at least has the wherewithal to know she’s being stupid. Gotta give her that.

Will Young is here to sing ‘Leave Right Now’ but it takes ten minutes for Rose and I to figure out who he is. He looks like Ryan, but we all know Ryan can’t sing. He looks like Ryan, if Ryan were a stoner.

I’m off to vote for Lee and to watch Glee.

The audience and me screams at Ryan mentioning Bieber’s name and then four people cheered at the mention of whoever the other guest tonight is.

Crystal talks for a while, but I don’t hear anything because my dog is barking at a chip. I looked up to see Ryan pretending to listen, but really only thinking, “Did I already have waffles for breakfast this week?” Lee talks and then some more Crystal. I just noticed that Casey’s face – not his head, mind you – his face, is fucking huge. It’s so huge. I’m glad I didn’t notice it before, because it would have drove me crazy all season. Speaking of driving me fucking crazy, Crystal needs to shut up about her baby and her diabetes. I don’t take that diabetes talk from Nick Jonas, and I won’t take it from you either. But oooh, it would be awesome if she sang that Jonas Brothers song about how Nick went to the doctor and found out he had diabetes. I could get down with that. That would rock.

10 minutes in and they’re all still talking!! Shut up! Everybody shut up!! Except Seacrest. But everybody else!! I want less talk, and more of that jailbait they call Biebs.

The Ford video tonight involves gravity on the walls somewhere in LA. So wrong. That’s against the law and it’s goes against what Going Green is supposed to be about. Shame on you, Fox. Shame on you. But you make up for it by continuing to keep Seacrest on my TV every year, so kudos to you, Fox. Kudos.

Nobody is waiting for Casey when he lands in Texas. Then he drives around in a limo and somehow girls have shown up to scream and yell about him. Note to those girls: he does not have a girlfriend. Apparently, Casey’s hometown is named Cool. Or is it spelled Kewl? I bet that’s how Casey would spell it if it were up to him. I know it would be!! The sign he’d have made to show up when you enter the town would say “kewl lol population: me lol”.

Casey goes over to the hospital that put him back together after his car accident that I don’t remember hearing about. He thanks them for saving his life while some lady cries nearby. Then he sings and people scream and back in the studio he gets weepy with Ryan while Ryan tries to remember if the waffles he had this morning were plain or cinnamon.

Back from commercial, all the people who’ve so far been eliminated this season – I suppose they have names, but I’ll pretend I don’t know them – are in the audience. Then the guy who discovered Travis Garland, is in the audience with Ryan. Who the hell is Travis Garland? Is he related to Judy Garland? HE’s white. He looks like Rob Lowe, but the camera won’t zoom in on his face. He looks like Rob Lowe and Scott Wolf had a baby together and misinformed it that it could sing.

Crystal in Toledo. People screaming and yelling and it’s “Crystal Bowersox Day”. All those people would freak me the fuck out. I’d be like, “I changed my mind, I don’t want to be on this show anymore.” Especially after some guy had Crystal write her name across his man-boobs and then swore that he was getting it tattooed there. I’m scared and I’m not even there! Baby-Crystal is there. He’s cute. but I still don’t want to hear anymore about him. Then Crystal sings, blah blah blah and cries, both then and now in the studio with Ryan, as he debates in his own head between strawberries and blueberrries on his waffles.

Lee’s hometown! I almost went to this, but decided I didn’t want to possible be trampled by all these people. If I’d had the day off from work, I might have gone and risked death, but I didn’t and would have had to run over after work, and properly would’ve been caught in traffic more than doing anything else. Not really worth it. That ’pocketful of mumbles” song is playing over footage of people going fucking apeshit. And then Lee sings the same song. This is better than Casey and Crystal’s hometowns put together. Take that, bitches!!

Note to self: Download Lee singing ‘The Boxer’. And don’t forget.

Lee cries some more.

My mother – “He got his father’s looks.”
My father – “He got his mother’s vagina though.”

BWAHAHA! I come from a family of comedians.

Beiber!! I mean… some kid? Is here? To sing? Some songs?

JuleahFaye: are you hanging in there, mrs. robinson?
roarimaraptor: how dare you?!!!
roarimaraptor: and don’t bother me right now, this is my song
JuleahFaye: kara probably wrote it

I do love me some ‘Baby’. I don’t want to say too much and get myself in trouble. Ask me again next season, when I will only be frowned upon, not thrown in jail.

Results!!

The first person into the finale is… LEE!!

Joining Lee is…. Crystal!

Nothing surprising there. Casey sings all pretty, fist bumps Randy, and then picks up a child in the audience.

And out.

Ryan’s hair is adorable tonight. He makes the audience yell for their favorite and every single person yells Lee’s name.

Casey is up first. He’s singing something by something. I don’t know. I can’t even concentrate on his words, because why is he still here? Ryan’s looking at him as he talks like he gets what he’s saying, but you know in Ryan’s head, he’s thinking, “Why is this guy still here?” God, I hope he’s not in the finale. That’ll be like when Katharine McPhee was in the finale and when I tried listening to her album recently, it felt like glass had fallen in my ear. Randy giggles for a few minutes, because he hated it but doesn’t want to say so. Ellen makes some funnies. Then everybody agrees his performance was awful. Because it was.

JuleahFaye: shut up that lady was for real!
roarimaraptor; what lady? casey?
JuleahFaye: the one who was in the audience watching him
JuleahFaye: i can see why you may be confused
JuleahFaye: she did look a little drag queeny
roarimaraptor: so does casey now that i think of it

For reals. Casey is a pretty lady. But that’s about all.

Ryan is on the drinking fountain stools with Crystal. She’s holding her guitar and wearing a harmonica around her neck. I’m over Crystal like woah, but if she sang ‘If Only’ by Hanson, I’d vote for her all night. But she’s not. She’s not cool enough for that. She’s singing ‘Come To My Window’, which is awesome in it’s own way, I guess. Just not this performance of it. I’m underwhelmed.

Randy liked it but didn’t like but liked it. Shut up, Randy. Have something to say or say nothing at all. Ellen and Kara say the same thing as Randy, basically. It was good, but it wasn’t good, but it was still good, but not good. Crystal is all like, “I love that song and I have a guitar and I love my baby.” Is Casey rubbing off on her or has she always been this way?

I have such high hopes for what Lee’s song choice will be. I hope he doesn’t suck it up by picking something stupid.

He’s doing ‘Simple Man’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I would have been disappointed cause it’s a song I don’t know and therefore can’t already love… but he’s awesome. So no worries there. The camera spins in circles around him, like I love. Randy talks stupid talk in his stupid sweater. Ellen loves him and compares him to a baby lamb and a gazelle. I missed what Kara said, cause I was IMing someone about how I want Lee to shave that junk off his chin. Then Simon calls his performance “on the money”.

Back from commercial, Ryan and the judges are all hanging on each other like we’re catching the tail end of a big orgy they had.

Casey’s hometown, blah blah. Kara and Randy chose ‘Daughters’ for him to sing and Kara’s all like, “Women and girls are your only fans, because you’re hot and that’s all you have.” I’m paraphrasing, but ya know. I’m not lying. The only two John Mayer songs I’ve ever liked are ‘Your Body Is A Wonderland’ and that ‘Beat It’ cover he did with Fall-out Boy, but this song is pretty. I’m not gonna look into the original, but his version was pretty. It’s not gonna win anything for him, but it didn’t send me running away screaming either. Ryan gives Casey’s numbers and nobody writes them down. Except Randy. He has to vote since he picked this song.

I hate Katy Perry’s proactive commercials. Her face looks like a frickin’ water painting. I want to jump into it like Mary Poppins and kick her ass. I’ll yell, “Kiss a girl now and see how you like, Katy! Kiss a girl now!!” while I punch her in the face.

Crystal’s hometown had a lot of people screaming in front of an AT&T store and then “Ellen” texted her that she’s singing ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’. I am not familiar with this song, but she sounds pretty good to me. Her vocals are strong, better than the performance before. Randy freaks out that she’s “in it to win it”. Ellen loves it. Kara loves it. Simon loves it.

Ryan and Crystal talk about how she’s dressed. She thinks she looks good, I think she looks like she’s from Resident Evil, and Ryan has no opinion on it. Or at least, he doesn’t vocalize it.

“Simon” texted Lee on his flight to Illinois to tell him he‘s singing ‘Hallelujah’. Which he does wonderfully, with a full choir behind him. The judges all love it and Kara is like, “This season would have sucked without you!” Again, not verbatim, but close enough.

OMG, as they were going through the numbers, I almost typed Casey’s into my phone. Good thing I caught it before I hit send. They confused me with this three numbers per person thing.

GASP! Beiber tomorrow night… I mean… nothing. Nevermind. I’m out. Glee’s on.

One of the sexiest things Ryan does is walk down stairs. When we get married, I hope there’s a lot of stairs in our house. And if there isn’t, I’ll have some put in. He’s gone at work so often, he won’t even be home to notice the construction. It’ll be like my wedding gift to him that is really for me.

Ryan runs through tonight’s line-up of guests. Bon Jovi, yay!! Fantasia, meh. Daughtry!! DAUGHTRY!

I think you’ll all be happy to know that Fantasia has Justin Bieber’s haircut. And her song sounds just like you would assume it would sound.

stonehousekthx: i’m sorry but the 80s called and want their shoulder pads back
stonehousekthx: also i’m on the other line with the early 90s and they want their song and tempo back

Oh god no, there’s a talking part to the song. No! No talking during a song, unless it’s Ludicrous doing a “don’t need no Starbucks” rap. And especially no Fantasia talking. She needs to stick to what she does best, whatever that may be. I don’t agree that it’s singing, and it’s probably not hair styles either.

After she’s done singing, her and Ryan remember the time she had a daughter. Remember how Ryan came out carrying the baby and it made my ovaries ache? It was a long time ago, but I remember.

Ford music video – Casey dressed like a German. And then everybody else is like, I don’t know, Chinese, I think. Except Mike, who just puts on a hat and a scarf cause he is clearly not a good sport when it comes to these commercials.

Remember when we went to Kris Allen’s hometown? And Taylor Hick’s? And Elliott Yamin’s? And the hometowns of the two Davids? And then Adam Lambert’s? And Bo Bice’s, where he cried? We sure visited a lot of hometowns. I spent the day debating going to Lee’s hometown visit because it’s less than an hour away from me, but I decided I don’t want to deal with the mess. Not unless he can knock me up, and I don’t see that happening.

Mike talks about wanting to go home and keeps shut up about his baby. Thank you, Mike. Crystal wants to see some places she had seen before, Lee says something I don’t know about cause I’m looking at his shoes, and Lee repeats what Mike said, but also wants to hear people say y’all.

There are family members of everybody sitting on the couch for some reason. This isn’t fair. The Davids didn’t get their family there. Ryan doesn’t get me, his wife, on the couch every week. Although, I’d do it if they ask.

Casey is in the top 3. I don’t know about this. I don’t think he belongs there, but put him up against Mike, and I’ll choose him too.

Mmmmmm, Daughtry. I think ‘September’ is my favorite song off Leave This Town. I have a hard time narrowing it down. It’s between this, ‘Tennessee Line’, ‘Life After You’, and ‘Learn My Lesson’. I think I’ll choose September cause the name of the album comes from it and that a good enough reason. This performance is great. Every time I see him sing, I remember the times he touched me.

Ryan calls him “Chris” and it confuses me for a minute because it’s been years since I considered him being a person with a first name and not just some guy with the same name as his band. Whatever you want to call him, I’d make out with him. Especially when he had hair. Remember that? For like a week he had all that hair and it was sexy as hell?

Oooh, I forgot about ‘No Surprise’. Damn, that’s a good album. It was so good that I bought a copy even though I had it on my iPod weeks before it was released because it leaked on the internets.

OMG BONES!!! I get so unnaturally excited when I see a Bones commercial. I won’t make excuses for it. It’s just what happens. Deal with it.

Because we have so much time to fill, we have to talk forever about that stupid Michael Jackson song that Mike sang. Why does Mike have to make everything so difficult for us?

Lee has a huge frickin’ head. I’d still make out with him, but geez. It’s huge. Not the David Cook kind of huge. That was a different animal altogether. But still huge.

stonehousekthx: it really is
stonehousekthx: it’s like half his body
roarimaraptor: it is, i don’t know how he stands upright

OMG, and then, Ryan says, “Lee…. is heading home to Chicago.” which confuses everyone cause it could be he’s going back home… or he’s going back home and then coming back because he’s in the top three. It turns out to be the latter, but I think everybody watching is confused about it. I bet Ryan even confused himself. That whore. I love him.

There are a bunch of cougars in the audience to yell and cheer for Bon Jovi. The 80s was such an awesome time. But I’m glad Bon Jovi survived it and could join us just as awesomely in the 2000’s. Jon is almost starting to look his age, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t still hit it.

The guitar player tries to rape Ryan with his eyes, which is such a weird thing to see happen. He kind of looks like an old lady. An old lady, dressed like a dude, playing guitar in Bon Jovi, is trying to rape Ryan Seacrest. I hope that thought doesn’t follow me into my dreams.

I’m still confused by this whole Casey in the top 3 thing. While Casey is trying to talk, some rude ass girls keep yelling, “I love you Lee!” He ignores them, because, how fucking rude. Someone else is talking. Yell in between sentences if you have to, not OVER someone.

Not surprisingly, Crystal is in the top 3 and Mike is out. Which means we get to hear about his baby some more, and then see Kara cry, and lots of Ryan being lifted in the air.

Mike’s baby is horrified by all of this.

Jamie Foxx is up in the club. With no boundaries. Like that song that I love that nobody else loves that Kris Allen sang last year but refused to sing on your, which made me angry. Even to this day, my hurt hearts over it.

Ryan is very excited that Jamie is here. Jamie has brought two t-shirts. One says “contestant”, the other says, “artist”. After their performance, Jamie will give them whichever shirt he feels applies to them. Oh, snap. It’s like cheers or jeers, but with t-shirts. Awesome.

Lee is singing ‘Kiss From A Rose’. I’ve hated this song all it’s life, so I’m gonna pass on recapping this part. Lee is damn sexy, but I didn’t like the song. Neither did Randy, Kara, or Simon. Simon thinks he should be given the “contestant” shirt.

Mike is singing that Michael Jackson song from Free Willy that I hate outside of any context that isn’t Free Willy. So I’m gonna walk away now. Or rather, I’m going to search Amazon.com for a cheap Free Willy DVD. Oh god, this is awful. I hope a whale eats him. The judges didn’t like it, and I bet they hope a whale eats him too.

Simon is all like, “What is Free Willy about?” They try to explain it and he gets even more confused.

Lee and Crystal are dueting on a song title, “Falling Slowly’. It’s delicious. It’s like someone is making love to me from inside my ear. As The Brother would say, “I think I just came.”

The judges are all lit up with this post coital glow like it was making love to them too.

Jamie forces Casey to rape him with his eyes, voice, and body. That is so weird. This is like date rape without the drugs. Jamie Foxx is a date rape drug!! Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson, dressed like a pretty lady. God, his skin is like a Noxema commercial. I could never say enough things about his skin. The singing, not so much. The judges are sort of all over the place about their opinions. And by all over the place, I mean, that nobody likes it but Kara because the song is secretly about her and Casey.

Crystal is unnerved by Jamie. She’s singing, ‘I’m Alright’, a song I am not familiar with. But she does well with it. The judges love it.

Casey and Mike are singing ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. This is boring. I hate this song. I wish Aaron was here so he would sing, ‘When I Look At You’ from The Last Song.

BWAAHA! When they’re done, Ellen goes, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Even Simon laughs out loud. Priceless.

Tomorrow night, I’m guessing Casey or Mike goes home.

Ford music video is Lee looking sexy, Crystal putting on gloves, Mike trying to mate dogs in the street so he can love their puppy babies, and Aaron dressed like he’s gay. So basically, everybody is playing themselves.

Ryan laments about how everybody hates Wednesdays. Blah blah. Stop sucking your shit up and you wouldn’t have to worry. Than they talk about the hecticness of Tuesday. We get a video package of what everybody used to do on Tuesday before Idol became their lives.

Crystal would change diapers cause she’s a mom. Mike would lift weights so he can be huge, Lee would be sexy and mix paint, Aaron would wake up, and Casey would… I don’t know. Be Casey, I suppose. It’s not specific. But this is why I’ve been saying he should talk less and just be quiet more.

Now, they get up and eat breakfast. And then they get on stage and rehearse for fake stand-in judges. I like Randy’s stand in judge better than I like Randy. He’s an amusing fella, whoever he is. It’s funny that Ryan doesn’t have a stand in. He’s the only one who needs one.

Lee to center of stage. He talks but all I hear are the sounds of sexiness coming from his eyes. And then he is safe.

You know I love me some Idol. But I’m starting to get sick of the Wednesday night spectacle every week. It’s bad enough that Lady Gaga is here tonight, but it’s even worse that this ‘performance” is like a haunted house on stage. Maybe if it was Halloween, this would be cool, but it’s not, so therefore it’s not. I mean, she’s not even singing Poker Face. The only thing that could save this would be if Daughtry came up out of the smoke dressed like corpses, singing Poker Face. Awesome.

After typing all that and then youtubing a scene of Booth and Bones kissing, it’s still not done.

Finally, finally it ends.

But then we get a hilarious video montage of Harry Connick Jr. being hilarious. He tells Mike to shut the hell up his stupid baby, and then tells Aaron they’re going to study shapes and colors next. He’s mean to Casey and then him and Lee undress each other with their eyes. Awkward, but kind of hot. But then he sings, and even though he undresses me with his eyes as he does so, I fall asleep. This song is so slow it’s almost playing backwards. His voice is like a sleeping pill upon my body.

Group sing. Connick on piano. Lots of trumpet. Aaron looking like Kris Allen when the camera is far away.

Crystal is sent to stand next to the piano, away from Lee. Mike is sent to stand somewhere else, Aaron is sent to stand with Mike, and Casey with Crystal.

Ryan asks Lee if he’d pick the safe group and he says no, after first looking horrified that Ryan might actually make him pick. He does not.

Mike and Aaron are the bottom two. Casey is so confused that for a second he doesn’t even move.

stonehousekthx: Poor Aaron looks so confused
roarimaraptor: casey looked confused to
roarimaraptor: like, “why the hell am i safe?”
stonehousekthx: HA
stonehousekthx: i was confused about that too

The smallest person versus the biggest person…. GASP!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not Aaron!! No!!
My heart. My heart hurts. Mike hugs him tight and whispers sweet nothings in his ear. He’s probably saying, “Sorry, I stole your spot, bro.” I’m sad. You know who I blame for this? Whoever invented the judges saved that saved Mike a few weeks ago.

stonehousekthx: why did you take him away from me?
stonehousekthx: (not that he wasn’t going to go anyway) but he’d be a good #3
roarimaraptor: now we’re gonna have to see casey or mike’s hometown
roarimaraptor: who the fuck wants to see that
stonehousekthx: HA
stonehousekthx: you should put that in the recap

Next week, music from the movies. Finally, a good theme!!

As the audience cheers for Ryan and/or the show, the camera pans around the room stopping on all of the old men. As if to show us that they have indeed breeched across demographics. One step closer to taking over the world.

You know, if someone had informed me that Siobhan was a big Hanson fan and that she would leave this show and then sing A Song To Sing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7ypzq5LGeY), I might have had less bad things to say about her.

Anyway, Harry Connick Jr video package. I’ll make out with the Connick part of it, but not so much the Frank Sinatra parts. I find his music rather boring, unless we’re talking about the Guys and Girls soundtrack, which is on my iPhone. Mmmm, maybe Lee will sing ‘Luck Be A Lady’.

Harry kind of looks like Lee all grown up. He’s wearing the same suit, and he’s brought his own band along with him. I like this so far. I like the hotness of Harry, and the hotness of Lee, and the hotness of Seacrest all on one stage.

stonehousekthx: Lee and Harry having sex would look like someone laying on a mirror

Frank Sinatra has daughters that can’t decide if they should stand or sit and Ryan doesn’t help them out cause he’s too busy talking and once he gets on a roll, he sees nothing. The Sinatra Daughters have brought Simon a hanky that Frank maybe blew his nose on, I don’t know.

Harry teaches Aaron to stop going off key. And then calls him “bro”. Aaron is singing ‘Fly Me To The Moon’. So predictable, this child. I bet he’d cry if I tried to take his pants off. He looks pretty, like he’s dressed to come pick me up and take me to a ball. Which is cool, as long as he isn’t singing this. It’s boring. Harry is proud though, like this is his son. That’s cute.

Casey looks hot tonight. He looks different. He tells a story about how his friend didn’t even know he’s on TV. Ha! That’s funny. Nice friend. He looks hot in what he’s wearing tonight, but doesn’t sound so great. Boring, also. But again, I don’t really get this style of music. I don’t a single Sinatra song on my iPhone. The closest thing would be the ‘Send In The Clowns’ that was sung on the Simpsons. The judges didn’t like it. Kara calls him a lamb.

Ryan picks up Randy’s drink, takes a sip, and makes a face.

Harry has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen in this life. Anyway, Crystal is singing something slow and boring and apparently, she has a dead bird in her hair. But actually, the song picks up in the middle. It’s still sort of boring, but she sounds excellent. The judges all agree. She’s so cleaned up tonight that she kind of looks like Kelly and Carrie had a baby together.

Mike is bigger tonight than usual. Remember how Michael Johns kept getting bigger and bigger every week like he was eating the eliminated contestants? That’s happening again. Vocally, great. Otherwise, I’m still bored. I just can’t get into Mike. Randy does though. He blows a load in his pants praising Mike. The rest of the judges love him too.

Harry tells Lee to kick ass. Which he does. On a song called ‘That’s Life’. Pimp spot well deserved. Ellen compliments Harry’s “organ” and he yells at her to, “Stop! Stop now!” Oh man, he should totally replace Simon next year. This would become a comedy hour. Awesome.

Kara asks Lee if he thinks he could win and he’s all, “Bitch, yeah.” The judges praise Lee and then Lee and Harry make out.

Tomorrow night… Casey or Aaron goes home.

Randy is dressed like an idiot, in case you wondered if things had changed.

Rascal Flatts was on an episode of CSI and that was awesome. I stopped watching CSI after Grissom left cause it just wasn’t the same. But I watched that particular episode. Ryan hugs Gary and then calls one of the other guys ‘brotha”. Good times. I think Rascal should be on every week. Also, on more episodes of CSI.

The Ford music video tonight is the Idols as vampires. Crystal still looks dirty, but pale. Casey looks exactly the same, Lee has cat eyes that are hot, and apparently they’re all supposed to eat Mike. Which is funny, cause I’m pretty sure that I made a joke that they could feed off of him for weeks. I hope Aaron sparkles in the sunlight! Siobhan looks at home in the vampire get-up, which further proves the theory I just not developed that she is of the undead.

There’s some weird video of the Idols voicing characters for Shrek. I don’t know. It was kind of fun. And then they go to a screening of Shrek Forever. Ryan has three lines in this movie, so you know I’m seeing it when it comes out. I bought Knocked Up for his one scene.

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas, blah blah blah.

Jokes about Aaron not being 16 anymore. Then I drool over the studlyness that is Lee.

Ryan puts them into three groups of two. Lee and Siobhan. Casey and Michael. Aaron and Crystal. These are such weird pairings. I hope nothing porno happens. Ryan mixes them around and plays musical chairs and suddenly Casey, Michael, and Siobhan are bottom 2.

Ryan brings us breaking news that next week will be really boring.

And then OMG! Carrie Underwood!! She’s not singing, she’s introducing Sons of Sylvia. I know nothing of Sons of Sylvia except that my favorite song on Carrie’s latest album is the duet with them. Also, the lead singer looks like Clay Aiken had a baby with that one nerdy guy they had sing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me with him. As a matter of fact, they all look like that…. are they brothers? Are they literally all the sons of someone named Sylvia? Note to self: Download this album.

Ryan harasses someone he calls a Kardashian but I’m pretty sure she is not, because her boobs are not out.

Now up, Lady Antebellum. They were recommended to me but I refused to even look into it because I thought it was another Lady GaGa thing and I don’t have time for anymore of that. Ooooh!! This is the song some lady at work is always singing and I’m like, “wtf song is this? I don’t like it.” but then I heard it playing at the dog groomer’s and I made a note to myself to download it but forgot it until now.

Rascal Flatts and Shakira? My mind just exploded with the possibilities.

Nevermind. That was kind of weird.

Text convo:
The Brother – “That was horrible.”
Me – “It kind of was.”
The Brother – “Kind of! it was just plain bad.”
Me – “But at least her hips didn’t lie.”
The Brother – “Hahahaha.”

Stupid Ryan makes Shakira talk, which is as bad as making Siobhan talk, but with an accent.

Gary’s microphone matches his shirt. That is so weird.

Finally, results! Geez. I forgot that’s why we were here.

Mike is safe.

And commercials.

OMG Bones tomorrow!

Casey versus Siobhan. What if Siobhan gets cut and then she stabs Casey? Would I be the only one not surprised? I mean, her hair tonight? She looks like a street tramp. I don’t know if I mean tramp as in homeless or tramp as in whore. Maybe a mix of both. She doesn’t say a word or change her expression, except she looks kind of like she might eat Ran. He makes her talk and she looks like she might eat the rest of us. I think I better leave right now.

Shania Twain. My dog got fed up, stepped on the remote, and muted the TV. I swear. It was funny. But I showed her, I turned the volume back up. Shania is all, “I wrote these songs about things I lived. So don’t fuck it up, bitches. Or I‘ll cut you.” and Aaron is all like, “I heard of Shania once, when I was in the womb.”

So I guess the theme is Shania week. Shania and Ryan hang out and giggle and girl it up, and then Shania wears stupid shoes in the video, and then Lee. He’s singing that looks like we made it song. This is so Cook-ish of him. He starts it out so differently that I can’t place it at first. “Making it his own”, I believe they call it. I’m downloading this shit. I’m downloading it and then letting it make love to me. While I drive. That’s how good it is.

Randy’s all like, “Awesome.” but with a lot of stupid other words. Ellen loves it, like I said. Kara says some stuff, but I can’t hear it, cause I’m distracted by the big piece of tinfoil she doesn’t seem to notice she got stuck on her neck. Simon loved it.

Idol Tour! Woot woot!! Mike makes Shania sound like she might cry but I don’t think she’s capable of it. Then she’s all like, “Just because you could sing the phone book doesn’t mean you should.” Hell yeah. Quit being boring, Mike. Then Shania-Bot nearly cries again.

Um, I forgot to pay attention. Sorry. I don’t know what he sang or how he sang it, but the judges seemed to like it. There’s some dirty words like “wet” thrown away and everyone gets nervous.

And then Casey looks like a pretty lady and sings a pretty song on his guitar that I have never heard of. I like it. I might download this too. Randy calls it his best performance ever, and he is not lying. Everybody agrees with Randy cause he was right for the first time in his life. Then Shania and Casey make out.

Crystal is wearing a dish towel as a dress and her and Ryan marvel over Shania’s white teeth. Quit dropping subliminal messages about Crest, Seacrest. I’ll buy some next time I go to the store. Just to make you happy! Cause a happy Seacrest makes a happy me. I’m not crazy about this song Crystal is singing, but she sounds good vocally. Randy loved it, but I’m still like, ‘meh”. Simon didn’t like it.

During commercial break, apropos of nothing:

stonehousekthx: and now i want marshmellows
roarimaraptor: mmmm
stonehousekthx: or an oreo
stonehousekthx: and by AN i mean AN Package

Mmmmmm, Oreos. Also, I need to teach her to spell marshmallows.

Aaron is singing something pretty that I may also be downloading. I should start paying attention to names of things, but I’m sure iTunes will know. Ellen was impressed cause she thought he was 16, but then when he says he just turned 17, she’s not as impressed. Ha! I love her. The judges loved it, especially Simon.

Siobhan is singing ‘Any Man Of Man’. This song goes along with that whole “I’d kill you in your sleep.” vibe I get from her. I don’t like this song or this performance. I hope she goes home. Ellen makes some joke, Kara loved it, Randy might have said something, and Simon thought it was perfect. What were they listening to?

Tomorrow, I’m guessing (ie. hoping) that Siobhan goes home. I can’t see who else it would be. It’s hard now.