5/5/10 – When I was 17, I drank some very good beer.

The show started all dramatic and full of Connick being serious and the judges all black with no faces because they are secretly undercover and I don’t even recognize it as the show. I’m sitting here doing something else, not even wondering why the show hasn’t started. But it has started. It’s just weird. But there’s my Seacrest, introducing it, and I feel at home again. Also, he points out that it’s Cinco De Mayo cause he likes to eat Mexican food.

The guys in their black suits singing ‘The Lady Is A Tramp’ and then they all point to Crystal – in a lesbian suit – so I guess she’s the tramp. Then Aaron was 17 and it was a very good year. Casey does some stuff I don’t know about, but the lip syncing is more pronounced. This keeps going on and on forever and it needs to stop. They are not a group of fellas that go together. Vocally maybe, but I can’t listen cause the lip syncing annoys me, so I don’t know, but looks-wise, they don’t go together.

Ford music video is Lee looking sexy, Crystal putting on gloves, Mike trying to mate dogs in the street so he can love their puppy babies, and Aaron dressed like he’s gay. So basically, everybody is playing themselves.

Ryan laments about how everybody hates Wednesdays. Blah blah. Stop sucking your shit up and you wouldn’t have to worry. Than they talk about the hecticness of Tuesday. We get a video package of what everybody used to do on Tuesday before Idol became their lives.

Crystal would change diapers cause she’s a mom. Mike would lift weights so he can be huge, Lee would be sexy and mix paint, Aaron would wake up, and Casey would… I don’t know. Be Casey, I suppose. It’s not specific. But this is why I’ve been saying he should talk less and just be quiet more.

Now, they get up and eat breakfast. And then they get on stage and rehearse for fake stand-in judges. I like Randy’s stand in judge better than I like Randy. He’s an amusing fella, whoever he is. It’s funny that Ryan doesn’t have a stand in. He’s the only one who needs one.

Lee to center of stage. He talks but all I hear are the sounds of sexiness coming from his eyes. And then he is safe.

You know I love me some Idol. But I’m starting to get sick of the Wednesday night spectacle every week. It’s bad enough that Lady Gaga is here tonight, but it’s even worse that this ‘performance” is like a haunted house on stage. Maybe if it was Halloween, this would be cool, but it’s not, so therefore it’s not. I mean, she’s not even singing Poker Face. The only thing that could save this would be if Daughtry came up out of the smoke dressed like corpses, singing Poker Face. Awesome.

After typing all that and then youtubing a scene of Booth and Bones kissing, it’s still not done.

Finally, finally it ends.

But then we get a hilarious video montage of Harry Connick Jr. being hilarious. He tells Mike to shut the hell up his stupid baby, and then tells Aaron they’re going to study shapes and colors next. He’s mean to Casey and then him and Lee undress each other with their eyes. Awkward, but kind of hot. But then he sings, and even though he undresses me with his eyes as he does so, I fall asleep. This song is so slow it’s almost playing backwards. His voice is like a sleeping pill upon my body.

Group sing. Connick on piano. Lots of trumpet. Aaron looking like Kris Allen when the camera is far away.

Crystal is sent to stand next to the piano, away from Lee. Mike is sent to stand somewhere else, Aaron is sent to stand with Mike, and Casey with Crystal.

Ryan asks Lee if he’d pick the safe group and he says no, after first looking horrified that Ryan might actually make him pick. He does not.

Mike and Aaron are the bottom two. Casey is so confused that for a second he doesn’t even move.

stonehousekthx: Poor Aaron looks so confused
roarimaraptor: casey looked confused to
roarimaraptor: like, “why the hell am i safe?”
stonehousekthx: HA
stonehousekthx: i was confused about that too

The smallest person versus the biggest person…. GASP!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not Aaron!! No!!
My heart. My heart hurts. Mike hugs him tight and whispers sweet nothings in his ear. He’s probably saying, “Sorry, I stole your spot, bro.” I’m sad. You know who I blame for this? Whoever invented the judges saved that saved Mike a few weeks ago.

stonehousekthx: why did you take him away from me?
stonehousekthx: (not that he wasn’t going to go anyway) but he’d be a good #3
roarimaraptor: now we’re gonna have to see casey or mike’s hometown
roarimaraptor: who the fuck wants to see that
stonehousekthx: HA
stonehousekthx: you should put that in the recap

Next week, music from the movies. Finally, a good theme!!