5/11/10 – As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.

Carly Smithson’s band has a new album out, but it’s classified as “goth metal” and I’m afraid. That’ll just add a soundtrack to the nightmares I still have about her arm tattoo. I saw that shit up close!

Jamie Foxx is up in the club. With no boundaries. Like that song that I love that nobody else loves that Kris Allen sang last year but refused to sing on your, which made me angry. Even to this day, my hurt hearts over it.

Ryan is very excited that Jamie is here. Jamie has brought two t-shirts. One says “contestant”, the other says, “artist”. After their performance, Jamie will give them whichever shirt he feels applies to them. Oh, snap. It’s like cheers or jeers, but with t-shirts. Awesome.

Lee is singing ‘Kiss From A Rose’. I’ve hated this song all it’s life, so I’m gonna pass on recapping this part. Lee is damn sexy, but I didn’t like the song. Neither did Randy, Kara, or Simon. Simon thinks he should be given the “contestant” shirt.

Mike is singing that Michael Jackson song from Free Willy that I hate outside of any context that isn’t Free Willy. So I’m gonna walk away now. Or rather, I’m going to search Amazon.com for a cheap Free Willy DVD. Oh god, this is awful. I hope a whale eats him. The judges didn’t like it, and I bet they hope a whale eats him too.

Simon is all like, “What is Free Willy about?” They try to explain it and he gets even more confused.

Lee and Crystal are dueting on a song title, “Falling Slowly’. It’s delicious. It’s like someone is making love to me from inside my ear. As The Brother would say, “I think I just came.”

The judges are all lit up with this post coital glow like it was making love to them too.

Jamie forces Casey to rape him with his eyes, voice, and body. That is so weird. This is like date rape without the drugs. Jamie Foxx is a date rape drug!! Casey is singing Mrs. Robinson, dressed like a pretty lady. God, his skin is like a Noxema commercial. I could never say enough things about his skin. The singing, not so much. The judges are sort of all over the place about their opinions. And by all over the place, I mean, that nobody likes it but Kara because the song is secretly about her and Casey.

Crystal is unnerved by Jamie. She’s singing, ‘I’m Alright’, a song I am not familiar with. But she does well with it. The judges love it.

Casey and Mike are singing ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. This is boring. I hate this song. I wish Aaron was here so he would sing, ‘When I Look At You’ from The Last Song.

BWAAHA! When they’re done, Ellen goes, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Even Simon laughs out loud. Priceless.

Tomorrow night, I’m guessing Casey or Mike goes home.