5/25/10 – I think it’s gonna come down to a duel to the finish.

I found a notebook today in which I had copied down a conversation The Brother and I had while listening to ‘Beat Me Up’ by Allison Iraheta.

The Brother – This song is fuckin’ amazing. I’m gonna rape her.
Me – Me too. But I don’t know with what.
The Brother – With your tongue.

Anyway, on to Idol.

Ryan is holding the mic funny, with bold hands, like a weirdo. What the hell, Ryan.

Crystal and Lee walk down the aisles through the audience. Someone smacks her mic out of her hand (ha!) and then she doesn’t know what she’s doing, misses her mark, and has to go back to back down the aisle and star over. Dumb broad. Lee gets to the stage about an hour before she does. Where Ryan is STILL doing that weird thing with his hands on the mic. I can’t even look. I can’t even describe accurately what he’s doing. He’s holding it with his right hand, but then touching it on the bottom with just the fingertips of his hand.

Coin flip. Lee goes first.

He likes baseball. That’s all we are taught from his video package. Oh, Lee. You are pretty and you have a pretty voice, but you’re boring. He’s singing The Boxer. We advised, DeWyze. Well advised.

Randy says, and I quote, “I think it’s gonna come down to a duel to the finish.” cause he’s an idiot. Ellen couldn’t be prouder if she had given birth to him herself. Kara says something but I am too distracted by her earrings that look like condoms from a distance. Simon calls it a kiss on the cheek when what you really want is a kiss on the lips. Ryan rushes to the stage in a state of misplaced jealousy, as he does everytime Simon talks about kissing someone who isn‘t him.

I’m scared of Crystal’s dad. He reminds me of Angela’s dad on Bones that Hodgins is afraid of. She’s singing “Me and Bobbie McGee.”

Rose – “They’re both playing hard ball tonight, bitches.”

I think this was the song I wanted to download, but never got around to it.

Kevin Covais in the audience. He still looks like a fetus and it’s been like, what, 4 years now?

The judges all make out with her performance, which sadly, was better than Lee. Damn you, Lee! If she wins, I’m holding you personally responsible!

This show has been on for 9 seasons now and I still don’t know what the hell. I thought tonight’s episode was 2 hours and I somehow thought that 3 songs for 2 contestants somehow added up to 9 songs.

Producer’s choice for Lee is ’Everybody Hurts’, a song that will always remind me of ‘A Night At The Roxbury’, one of the funniest SNL spin-off movies ever. Fact. I mean, it’s no Wayne’s World, but it’s hilarious in it’s own right.

Randy and Ellen both thought it was one part bleh and one part yay. Kara’s earrings still look like condoms. But her and Simon both loved the song, even though he went off a few bits here and there.

I don’t approve of this new thing with Seacrest holding the mic. I’m so used to him having his clip on ties.

Crystal is doing ‘Black Velvet’. I love this song. How dare she sing a song I love while I’m trying not to like her. She’s doing very well, but there’s a shot of some girls in the audience who are so over this.

I should mention that Crystal is wearing a dress that makes her look 4 months pregnant. For reals.

The judges all love her, blah blah.

Lee’s “single” , should he win – or should he lose, either way. They just want us to think there’s a difference – will be ‘Beautiful Day’. Constantine wanted to sing this song the week that he gotten eaten by Nickelback, but they couldn’t get clearance for it. I guess U2 has conceded now. And they shouldn’t have. Cause this was boring and suckage. They should let them pick their own songs, especially at this point. Let them win or lose on their own merits. Or at least let Kara write the coronation song, ya know? I know everybody but me hates ‘No Boundaries’, but I can see through the cheese to the brilliance of it.

Lee almost cries at something Kara says and then they show those bored girls in the audience again, and they are still so over this. Bitches. Get front row seats, and that’s how you repay it? By looking bored every time the camera flashes on you? Bitches.

Crystal is doing ‘Up To The Mountain’. I’ve never heard this song, but it gives her much more to work with that Lee was given with his third song. Gee, I wonder who they’re setting up to win.

Randy creams himself over her. Ellen looks tired, but wants Crystal to make her a salad. Or something. Ellen is funny, but sometimes I don’t know what she’s going on about. Kara creams herself too. So it’s a good thing she’s got those condom earrings on. Crystal kisses Simon’s ass before he can speak. I hate her now. Crystal makes some really bad jokes, but at least has the wherewithal to know she’s being stupid. Gotta give her that.

Will Young is here to sing ‘Leave Right Now’ but it takes ten minutes for Rose and I to figure out who he is. He looks like Ryan, but we all know Ryan can’t sing. He looks like Ryan, if Ryan were a stoner.

I’m off to vote for Lee and to watch Glee.