5/26/10 – “I’m Barry Gibb! I will put you in the ground!!”

5/26/10 – “I’m Barry Gibb! I will put you in the ground!!”

It’s time! Will they duel to the finish, like Randy “predicted” or will they not? Me thinks they will. I’d kind of like to see them fight to the death.

Did you guys know that Lee sold paint before Idol? And that Crystal was a mom before Idol? These are things we need to know.

Ryan is holding the mic weird again. It’s annoying. It’s almost as bad as that time he spent an entire season
fiddling with his ring finger and it irritated me so bad that I told him if he didn’t stop, I was going to put a ring on it and then what was he going to do.

Ryan says that the votes were separated by less than 2%. But when he asks the audience to cheer for who they want, clearly only 2% cheer for Crystal. So I think maybe that’s what he meant.

Kelly: why is lee dressed like he just escaped prep school?
roarimaraptor: ha! i was just wondering the same thing
Kelly: wait!  they both escaped prep school.  it’s like a couple on the run!

Lee is happy to be here and Crystal is also happy to be here.

And then top 12 are all here, all dressed like a escaped prep school kids. They’re singing ‘School’s Out For The Summer’ in their prep school outfits. Then a bunch of unnamed prep school kids come out with their eyes blacked out.

Kelly: it’s a prep school mob!
Kelly: and clearly siobhan is the prep school slut!!

This is like an Avril Lavigne video. And then ALICE COOPER!! I hope he gives us a speech about how Milwaukee came to be. That’d be awesome. What if he’s replacing Simon? That’d be awesome. I love this show so much, but oftentimes there is so much awesome that it fails to reach.

Speaking of the awesome that HAS been reached, Kris Allen is beautiful. Even when he’s already singing and Ryan is talking over him because they haven’t turned his mic off. Even then. He’s singing ‘The Truth’. I love it. It’s like Cook’s ‘Lie’. It’s so relatable, and sad, if you really listen to the lyrics.

Video package to remember The British Judge On The End. Him looking young and weird, insulting people, slurping over someone’s audition, laughing to the point of tears, and telling Paula to shut up. Ryan and the other judges pretend to be sad about Simon’s farewell, but then celebrate it. It’s a funny video.

Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly singing together. This is wrong on so many levels that I can’t even count that high. I’m still scared of Siobhan. That bitch will cut your throat for real. I bet all the other girls, and Casey, slept with their doors locked when she was still here. Then there are some BeeGee’s here, but all I can think of is that SNL sketch with Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. Talkin’ ’bout chest hair. Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions. I want one of them to yell, “I’M BARRY GIBB!!”

Back from commercial, with no introduction, Mike is onstage, but I thought it was Ruben for a minute. same different, really. Somehow they tricked Michael McDonald into being here. Him and Mike take it to the streets.

Dane Cook is here to look good and sing about Simon’s past insults. Simon looks un-amused, and then amused, and then un-amused again, and then amused some more. Then nobody is amused when Normal Gentle and a bunch of Idol rejects flood the stage and act a mess and then the Brittenums steal Dane’s identity. Run, Dane! Run!! And change your last name, cause you confuse non-Idol fans every time I talk about David Cook.

Who’s this chick? I don’t know. Oh Lacey. Was Lacey a person’s name? I don’t know, but anyway, some girl who used to be on ths show this season is singing ‘Beautiful’. AND DIDI!! And the rest of the girls. Hmmm. Katie… Siobhan… Crystal… I don’t know that black girl’s name. Then they sing ‘Stronger’. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Cristina is about to come out… Oh my God. She does come out. I didn’t expect she’d ever appear on this show. Awesome. Except the hair. And the fact that tonight she looks like Madonna and Gwen Stefani had a baby together and gave it a weird haircut. Her voice is magnificent though. And just as all magnificent people do, she’s standing on top of a smaller stage that is on this bigger stage. She signs for approximately 30 more minutes and then Ricky Gervais makes some jokes at Simon’s expense. Good times.

Lee comes singing wonderfully and beautifully and then Andrew Garcia comes out and ruins it. Then the rest of the boys join and try to dance. OMG, Tim Urban doubled in size!

Mmm, Casey singing ‘Maneater’. And Tim. I effin’ love Hall and Oats songs. Don’t judge me! Hall and Oates is here! My excitement is a statement of how old I am. They’re singing ‘You Make My Dreams Come True’, which is totally my song. Of course, I start thinking about the SNL sketch where Chris Kattan just keeps saying, “I’m Oates.”

Ryan’s got a vein thumping in his right temple. I wonder why.

Crystal and Alanis Morisette take the stage to warn me that it will rain on my wedding day and that I oughta know.

WOOT CARRIE!! She’s signing ‘Undo It’ and wearing pants for the first time in my memory. I love this song. I love that she gets her own song without any interruptions. They could have stuck like, Katie or somebody in there and ruined it, but they didn’t. Cause she’s Carrie. After the song, Ryan learns us that Kara wrote that song, which further adds to my theory that Kara wrote every song on earth. and then Kris Allen gives Lee and Crystal Fords because Ford cars are now his life. Lee couldn’t care less.

I refuse to even discuss how this week’s Ford Commercial sucks up ‘My Wish’. That’s my song!

Mmmmm, Casey singing ‘Every Rose Has It’s Thorn’. And then Brett Michaels is here. He was just on his deathbed and now here he is on the Idol stage. Weird. Awesome. Weird. I hope he doesn’t fall over. If anything would cause another brain hemorrhage, singing with Casey James would do it.

Lee and the band Chicago do a medley of Chicago’s hits. ‘Look Away’ is my favorite. I hope they do that one. The one guy in the band looks and sounds like a Will Forte character on SNL.

Matt Rogers is in Mount Prospect getting attacked by citizens. I told you that people in Illinois don’t know how to act. And why isn’t Matt dead yet? Is he going to keep showing up via satellite on Idol finales for the rest of his life?

Hilarious video package of Simon being in love with himself, making out with Paula, and being in bed with Randy. All recycled footage, but hilarious still.

‘Pants On The Ground’ guy is here with a bunch of thug back-up dancers with their pants on the ground. I forgot about him even though this song was my ring tone for a while. And then William Hung! Ha! Everybody in the world is here tonight!! I’m expecting like old teachers of mine and maybe a pastor from church to show up.

Kelly: there’s something wrong about a guy named Hung singing Pants on the Ground

Paula makes fun of Randy and Simon’s man-boobs, via video package. It’s hilarious. Lots of laughs are had. On video and in my heart. The video stops, the curtain rises…. and there is Paula Abdul. It’s like a dream from long ago. I want all my dreams to start with a curtain rising and Paula standing there in a pink prom gown.

BWAHAHAHA! Paula asks Ryan for her lip gloss back. His expression is adorable. I wanna marry that boy. Paula talks for a while and makes some jokes that might be funny.

Kelly: it’s like when the drunk bridesmaid gets the mic

More old video footage of Simon. I would have loved to have been the person who went through all the footage and put this together. It probably took like 3 years. Someone started it in season 6 in preparation for the day they knew Simon would leave us all behind.

KELLY!!! Meh, Ruben and Fantasia. CARRIE! AND KELLY!! KELLY!!!! Jordin! TAYLOR!! KRIS!!! It’s been so long since we’ve seen Kris Allen on this stage. ARCHIE! ACE!! It’s like all my dreams are coming true!! Ew Garino and Caldwell and Constantine. But BO BICE! JASON CASTRO!! MICHAEL JOHNS!! Oh Happy Day!! There’s no Lambert, Cook, or Aiken, but we make do with what we have.

Then Simon gives his farewell speech that makes us all teary.

Kelly: i feel like my boyfriend is trying to let me down gently
roarimaraptor: it’s not you, its me’
Kelly: “you’ll be fine.  you’ll see.”

Oh Simon.

OMG. What if Constantine and Caldwell meet up and try breeding?

Top 12 sing that sad, sad song ‘Again’ by Janet Jackson and then Janet is here. She’s dressed like an ancient vampire and singing like Michael.

The Mother – God, her ass sticks out to New York.

She sings for 45 minutes and then finally stops, but then Randy makes “whooo!” sounds for another 15 minutes. Shut up, Randy.

Video package of Lee and Crystal’s journey. I want her to shut up with her “I want to be on this show and

Lee, Crystal, Joe Cocker singing. Both Crystal and Cocker have seizures.

OMG, WINNER TIME!!

And the winner is………………. LEEE!!!! LEE WINS!! LEE WINS!!!

He looks like he’s gonna vomit! He’s gonna vomit all over Ryan’s suit!